mass appeal.

The reason I don’t wanna go back to Irvine, the reason I want to stay home isn’t only because I miss my family, but because I’m afraid I’m going to enjoy living there. I’m afraid that I’m going to be enjoying my life there so much, and then I’m going to wake up one morning to find out someone I love is gone. And I’m going to regret being so far away, I’m going to regret having fun and I’m going to regret everything about that place because it’s already happened once and I’m so scared that what happened a few weeks ago can happen again. 

You see, I’ve been ranting the past week of how much I dislike this hell hole I must call “home” because it’s missing the people that I love the most. But now that I finally get a chance to go back home and be with them, a part of me realizes that I don’t want to.

I don’t want to see that empty garage, I don’t want to see those tools that are now collecting dust. I don’t want to see that hospital bag full with the clothes you wore that day and I don’t want to see my nieces and nephew wondering where their papa went because they shouldn’t even be looking for you because you’re supposed to fuckin be here!

I’m not ready to put myself back into that house that is now one person less. I couldn’t stand it after you passed away and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this to myself again.

I don’t want a reason to be mad at you God, but why the fck did you have to take him from us..I keep telling myself that he’s in a better place now but you know what? A better place would be here, with us. Being with his wife, his daughters, his son in law, watching his grandkids grow up, growing old with my mom, walking my sister and I down the aisle, watching me graduate. YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO FUCKIN KEEP HERE WITH US LONGER! I don’t get it…& i’ve bee trying to make sense of everything & I know that God does things for a reason but taking my dad away before anyone could even say goodbye is a load of bullshit if you ask me.

 I don’t know what to believe in anymore, cos “having faith” has only seemed to screw my family over. And I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get past this week without coming back to Irvine and hating it more. We’ll see.